Do you know what it's like to hurt the ones you love the most? It's been along time since I've posted. And I find myself in raw emotion, and the reality of what cannot be undone. Why would I choose now to share with you? Why wouldn't I wait to have a brighter moment? Because this is real, this is life.
Just to back up a bit, I am still reading the Bible in a year! I have to admit it hasn't been perfect! I have missed chapters, verses, even things that the Lord may have spoken to me. I have missed moments with my husband, with my kiddos and there is no one else to blame but myself.Yet, The whole summer has passed swiftly by, and it was a sweet, sweet summer! We had whimsical, simple, breathtaking endeavors!
And here we are, settling into sweatshirts, pumpkin bars and bonfires! There is a rush of schedules and structure, I am not sure we are completely at peace with. But we are making room. Room for friends, for family. I took in my nephews first football game, we've crossed off a few days of school. Ups and downs, sound thinking and whirlwinds of emotion. Again, not one day or night of perfection, but a closing of the day with "it is well" and also some restless nights. Today, I had a few moments of failure, but nothing that can't be redeemed.
But last night I watched my son fail in his own eyes at a cross country meet. I said to him this one meet, it is significant but it doesn't define u. Wherever you are at in life, know that your moments of failure never define you. There is always redemption. Think of the cross, think of what was finished there. Think of your God who loves you. Let the truth set you free. He takes your failures Realignslines them so that you might be strong in him. May he be your all in all today. You are enough, because he is enough.
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Introducing Hope
This girl deserves her very own blog post! By far, she is my favorite girl in all of the world! I must say, she was the hardest to name! But I still recall how right it felt, the night, two weeks before her birth, that Ryan presented, "How about the name Hope? "
So how about the name Hope? At the time of her birth, I found a definition of hope that meant to 'wait expectantly with anticipation'. Again, just as with the other boys we did not and could not fully understand why this name may have been so significant. And so then she was born. And we took Hope home on Christmas Eve day. Do you remember how in Luke 2, Mary " pondered all of these ghings in her heart"? Jesus was born as a hope for our worn, weary world. Hope was born to this worn and wearied woman who chased after two tireless toddlers at the time! She truly was a breath of fresh air to me. Her saucer -like blue eyes would gaze up at me in the dark of the night. Peace would saturate my soul like the dawning of a new day. And there she grew, bewildering the hearts of two young boys. They appeared to be enamored by this she-thing dressed in pink!
Together, Ryan and I moved our three kids to Parkersburg shortly after her arrival. Then when hope reached the age of five months, a tornado touched down and wreaked havoc in our town and lives. What happened then is forever imprinted on my heart. Ashes to beauty, says Isaiah. My little girl, new to town, went everywhere I went. We traipsed through broken down houses and hearts, but upon meeting us for the first time and hearing, "her name is Hope,", before my eyes I visibly saw despair empty itself. Hope restored what was lost in brick and stick and soul. Never will I forget the faces that brought my family hope or how Hope, my daughter, did the same for so many other tattered individials displaced, just by speaking her name.
But that's not the only reason her name is so suitable. She is no longer that wide-eyed baby girl. Almost 9 years have passed since that May Day imprinted in my yesterdays. Hopesy Daisy, big sister to two more boys, still is our Hope, smack dab in the middle of our full life! She is my giggly girl, my girl. My one and only, one of a kind hope. The only one who is daring enough to spend three hours in Once Upon A Child with me, she brings me a reprieve from testosterone! Hope is full of emotion, and one tough cookie! You will not see her sitting on the sidelines when her brothers go out to play football in the backyard. With all that boyness that surrounds her, how did she become so thoughtful, so loving, so selfless? Her and I have some of the best talks. She's the first one I did a gratitude journal with, and there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thankful for her. She is a soul-searching, sweetheart of a girl, loved by her daddy. He calls her Fancy Face and sways to the song "Cinderella" (Steven Curtis Chapman)with her every year on her birthday. Those four boys won't readily admit it but, aside from lovin' their mama, she holds a big place in their hearts as well! So Hope, my daughter, and that expectant anticipation of what is to come, is truly what keeps us all going! Hope does not disappoint. No matter what becomes of that girl, I deeply believe she will never stray too far from the heart of God! It is in Him, and in His Hands, I place my Hope!
So how about the name Hope? At the time of her birth, I found a definition of hope that meant to 'wait expectantly with anticipation'. Again, just as with the other boys we did not and could not fully understand why this name may have been so significant. And so then she was born. And we took Hope home on Christmas Eve day. Do you remember how in Luke 2, Mary " pondered all of these ghings in her heart"? Jesus was born as a hope for our worn, weary world. Hope was born to this worn and wearied woman who chased after two tireless toddlers at the time! She truly was a breath of fresh air to me. Her saucer -like blue eyes would gaze up at me in the dark of the night. Peace would saturate my soul like the dawning of a new day. And there she grew, bewildering the hearts of two young boys. They appeared to be enamored by this she-thing dressed in pink!
Together, Ryan and I moved our three kids to Parkersburg shortly after her arrival. Then when hope reached the age of five months, a tornado touched down and wreaked havoc in our town and lives. What happened then is forever imprinted on my heart. Ashes to beauty, says Isaiah. My little girl, new to town, went everywhere I went. We traipsed through broken down houses and hearts, but upon meeting us for the first time and hearing, "her name is Hope,", before my eyes I visibly saw despair empty itself. Hope restored what was lost in brick and stick and soul. Never will I forget the faces that brought my family hope or how Hope, my daughter, did the same for so many other tattered individials displaced, just by speaking her name.
But that's not the only reason her name is so suitable. She is no longer that wide-eyed baby girl. Almost 9 years have passed since that May Day imprinted in my yesterdays. Hopesy Daisy, big sister to two more boys, still is our Hope, smack dab in the middle of our full life! She is my giggly girl, my girl. My one and only, one of a kind hope. The only one who is daring enough to spend three hours in Once Upon A Child with me, she brings me a reprieve from testosterone! Hope is full of emotion, and one tough cookie! You will not see her sitting on the sidelines when her brothers go out to play football in the backyard. With all that boyness that surrounds her, how did she become so thoughtful, so loving, so selfless? Her and I have some of the best talks. She's the first one I did a gratitude journal with, and there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thankful for her. She is a soul-searching, sweetheart of a girl, loved by her daddy. He calls her Fancy Face and sways to the song "Cinderella" (Steven Curtis Chapman)with her every year on her birthday. Those four boys won't readily admit it but, aside from lovin' their mama, she holds a big place in their hearts as well! So Hope, my daughter, and that expectant anticipation of what is to come, is truly what keeps us all going! Hope does not disappoint. No matter what becomes of that girl, I deeply believe she will never stray too far from the heart of God! It is in Him, and in His Hands, I place my Hope!
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
I want to make it OK
I want to make it OK. Take a seat here at the window of my soul. Make yourself at home. I want you to feel welcome and warm and loved here. Because you are. Don't just look in, but enter in.There is no room for window shoppers or passerbys!When you look in this window, I want you to see, hear and know real.
I am not going to promise you'll be comfortable here, although I hope you might. Just stay here with me for a while. I will say it again, I want to make it OK. Years ago I learned that I have a restorative personality. I look at things and either want to make them OK or improve what is already there. so today is no different from most days. My sister called last week and work is hard and I want to make it OK. My dad is going to the cardiologist and I want to make his heart OK. My friend just had surgery and I want to make her OK. I meet with these gals who are growing to love Jesus and I want it all to be OK for them. Lord has taught me how to love and how to give my heart away. And with that I am more than OK. But when I cry out to God with my very own longings, my personal desires, and he speaks forth His word, piercing me with "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10) I question am I really OK with that?
So we wrestle, like my boys wrestle their dad... they can't beat him. He is still bigger. He is still better. God and I, we go back and forth. I do not deny his sovereignty nor his Lordship. But when it comes right down to it do I trust him with my longings? Do I dare to put myself in that place of vulnerability and say, "Thy will be done"? Disappointments have come my way, but not one of them has God not redeemed. This longing He has given me. I have asked him to take it away, if it is not from Him. And it has remained. And so do I. Faithfulness. But even when I am unfaithful, He remains. He knows. He sees. His word pierces me, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose." I can't see. I can't know right now. And isn't that faith? Faith is believing in what we cannot see and being sure of what we hope for. Hebrews 11:1. He will redeem it. How about your longings? Have you laid them out as an offering? Have you put them at his feet? Have you trusted him with all of your heart, not leaning on your own understanding, acknowledging him with this longing, knowing that he will make it work for your good? Proverbs 3:5,6.
Maybe one day my boys could outmatch their dad. Genetics say this is possible. Or maybe Ryan might let them win. Odds are, in the end, they will both end up winning. I hope they all can stand tall, agreeing, it was a grueling match, but good. Psalm 62, "My soul finds rest in God alone… He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken… My hope comes from him."
"I will make it OK," promises God. So now I rest.
I am not going to promise you'll be comfortable here, although I hope you might. Just stay here with me for a while. I will say it again, I want to make it OK. Years ago I learned that I have a restorative personality. I look at things and either want to make them OK or improve what is already there. so today is no different from most days. My sister called last week and work is hard and I want to make it OK. My dad is going to the cardiologist and I want to make his heart OK. My friend just had surgery and I want to make her OK. I meet with these gals who are growing to love Jesus and I want it all to be OK for them. Lord has taught me how to love and how to give my heart away. And with that I am more than OK. But when I cry out to God with my very own longings, my personal desires, and he speaks forth His word, piercing me with "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10) I question am I really OK with that?
So we wrestle, like my boys wrestle their dad... they can't beat him. He is still bigger. He is still better. God and I, we go back and forth. I do not deny his sovereignty nor his Lordship. But when it comes right down to it do I trust him with my longings? Do I dare to put myself in that place of vulnerability and say, "Thy will be done"? Disappointments have come my way, but not one of them has God not redeemed. This longing He has given me. I have asked him to take it away, if it is not from Him. And it has remained. And so do I. Faithfulness. But even when I am unfaithful, He remains. He knows. He sees. His word pierces me, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose." I can't see. I can't know right now. And isn't that faith? Faith is believing in what we cannot see and being sure of what we hope for. Hebrews 11:1. He will redeem it. How about your longings? Have you laid them out as an offering? Have you put them at his feet? Have you trusted him with all of your heart, not leaning on your own understanding, acknowledging him with this longing, knowing that he will make it work for your good? Proverbs 3:5,6.
Maybe one day my boys could outmatch their dad. Genetics say this is possible. Or maybe Ryan might let them win. Odds are, in the end, they will both end up winning. I hope they all can stand tall, agreeing, it was a grueling match, but good. Psalm 62, "My soul finds rest in God alone… He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken… My hope comes from him."
"I will make it OK," promises God. So now I rest.
Friday, February 3, 2017
Happy
It seems fitting that this morning I read about the first mention of the name Asher in the Bible. Asher means happy. Our youngest took on that name at his birth and it has been true of his life thus far! Yesterday we conversed about his naptime, or lack there of. And this is what my littlest man had to say, " mother, I do not take naps, I do not take rests. But I do take kisses!" Who can argue with that? Isn't that just pure, sound reasoning? How could this be? This son of mine, the one I named, has lived out his name so definitely? I am blessed! It is through great humility that I also see how God named my other children. There are the two oldest. The ones whose feet now fill my boots. We discovered this by default, because in this household often times things are lost and so we find replacements! So Caleb is my first born, and 18 days he will enter a new phase of his life, inching into manhood before I am ready. But what I see is unmistakable manliness. I swallow hard, with every sign of maturity. It's what we all hope for, and when it comes there is letting go even when you want to hold on. Always my responsible one, he is brave and courageous, his name written on his heart. So things will change. But, just as it is said about him in the Bible, I pray he will hold onto the convictions of his heart no matter what he faces in his God-ordained days. Defending his faith and putting me to shame with all of historical and sporty knowledge is what he lives for! The apple did not fall far from the tree with this one. Caleb is the mini me of his father. Quietly passionate but by far the fiercest hugger I know! The last thing Papa Kenny said to him before he passed away was, " keep playing that trumpet Caleb!" I wonder, when I hear that trumpet sound vibrating from his lips, if he isn't spurred on by that exhortation echoing in his heart. Will one day my son sound a trumpet before His King with a saintly familiar face smiling on?
Micah means "unto the Lord". He is our protective, second child. The prophet Micah delivered the message that we are to "seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God". Do you know what it is like to watch scripture unfold before your eyes? I swear to you now that this boy who wraps his arms around me and randomly gives me love taps , whose coat I pull on because of His now manly girth, charismatically draws the attention of those around him. Remember the root word there is "charis". Meaning good-will, loving kindness. Humble and compassionate, Micah, is determined to be the next Bear Grills, survivalist, and has built his own "fort" with the help of his siblings and companions nearby the creek that is at the descent of our backyard. He's everything outdoors, breathing in the air that brings him life just like he inhales God's life-giving words, believing in his heart that man does not live by bread alone. What will become of these boys to men?
Micah means "unto the Lord". He is our protective, second child. The prophet Micah delivered the message that we are to "seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God". Do you know what it is like to watch scripture unfold before your eyes? I swear to you now that this boy who wraps his arms around me and randomly gives me love taps , whose coat I pull on because of His now manly girth, charismatically draws the attention of those around him. Remember the root word there is "charis". Meaning good-will, loving kindness. Humble and compassionate, Micah, is determined to be the next Bear Grills, survivalist, and has built his own "fort" with the help of his siblings and companions nearby the creek that is at the descent of our backyard. He's everything outdoors, breathing in the air that brings him life just like he inhales God's life-giving words, believing in his heart that man does not live by bread alone. What will become of these boys to men?
Radiance
I sit here now, the quiet of the morning well past. The two littles are racing after a toy, but I can't bring myself to even move. The radiance of the sun is penetrating not just my flesh but my very being. I'm paralyzed by the warmth as my soul sings to its Creator. I can't bare to open my eyes. Why would I want to, when I can bask in all of His glory. I think to myself is this what it will be like to be face-to-face with Him? Is this what my soul has longed for for some four decades? It is often been the cry of my heart that I might seek his face. Who am I, that he is mindful of me? Why would he allow me to lift my eyes to gaze upon his Beauty? He envelopes me with his warm embrace, and his love drowns out the anxieties of life. He takes upon himself my sin and my shame. Yesterday's and Today's. And in their place, I find joy and peace.Here, in this place, I hear him pleaing for me, just as he did for the sinners who nailed Him on the cross, and those whose bodies hung next His own. This I remembered as I read before the light shown bright this morning..."forgive them father for they know not what they do." I am bent, broken and disturbed, that my Father could love me so much. Me. You. And everyone else who is aware and unaware of His Goodness and Mercy. I pray that this humility would continue to bring me low even when that radiance disappears in the clouds. That I somehow could contain this measure of enlightenment as I abide in His Presence. I am grateful.
Sunday, January 29, 2017
celebrations and introductions
so here am I, spewing more of me, letting you into my little world. 38, and growing ever closer to 39. I sit here sipping my coffee from this morning. Looking back on my past week and anticipating what is to come. I read from my book an author whose writings are raw and real, so much so, that sometimes I just want to pretend none of this could be real. Her words are evasive yet draw you in all at the same time. I think on myself, and my mind pen begins to translate thought.
Celebrating. For a good many years I have watched and partaken in a variety of celebrations. People flood my memories of good times and hard. All of them soul deep. Among my favorites that I relive are birthdays. It is best to always celebrate them, because they are a gift given. They represent a life filled with promise of Today, if we accept it. Not always what we want or expect, in fact sometimes just the opposite, but Today is given for our choosing of how it will unfold. Just Today is a hushed whisper of my everyday. And birthdays are strung about my everyday like a banner of Life.
The author I am reading speaks of the Now. We are given only now. A whole lot of nows. What will you do with yours? This makes me think of a friend, but before I share more of her with you,
I must introduce the man I have lived with and loved for the past almost two decades. In short, he is my antithesis. Many years ago an evaluator at a conference said that we are such polar opposites that he couldn't believe that we had been married for any length of time! Well, that was it, I have spent everyday since then proving him wrong by showing he was right and that is exactly why the grace of our loving Father brought us together. Someday maybe I will get more into that, but for now. I just have to say that I am grateful in every way for who he is. He loves me imperfectly perfect. He leads our Z-force gently and has won my heart over and over. He is a man of few words, but those words are aptly spoken. His heart is of a Shepherd. Ryan fittingly is an administrator in a public school 15 minutes from here. Everyday he binds up the broken and gives life to souls who are in need of a Savior. He walks with them and teaches them what has been breathed into him. And then Ryan comes home to our quaint little town, shuts the door to this warmth he calls home and does the same. It is who he is. A Giver. Then, as if that is not enough, with keen ears, this man, both in silence and with words, as He listens to the heart of His Father, draws others into the presence of their Maker. He Keeps his flock close at the worship center, First Baptist of Elgin, and brings glory to the One for whom all glory is due. In the time I have known him, process was written all over his life, and so when this shepherd man stands to speak, I am not surprised today to hear that word. Process. Knowing Christ and Making Him known. It is lifelong and life changing. If your hand is open, this is the Way for you. His words come upon me as though God spoke. Tears fall and I am silent. Just Today. This is all I desire of my Today. That, which my husband unabashedly proclaimed, that I might die so Christ could live and that Love could be remembered by the next generation of believers. Shall it be for me. And in my now I will go tredding up a hill, sled in one hand, with my Love beside me. Pouring into our next generation. And it will be well with my soul as I lay my head down to rest tonight, hopeful that I will wake tomorrow, to my Today of living life beside the one my soul longs for. My husband and my God.
Celebrating. For a good many years I have watched and partaken in a variety of celebrations. People flood my memories of good times and hard. All of them soul deep. Among my favorites that I relive are birthdays. It is best to always celebrate them, because they are a gift given. They represent a life filled with promise of Today, if we accept it. Not always what we want or expect, in fact sometimes just the opposite, but Today is given for our choosing of how it will unfold. Just Today is a hushed whisper of my everyday. And birthdays are strung about my everyday like a banner of Life.
The author I am reading speaks of the Now. We are given only now. A whole lot of nows. What will you do with yours? This makes me think of a friend, but before I share more of her with you,
I must introduce the man I have lived with and loved for the past almost two decades. In short, he is my antithesis. Many years ago an evaluator at a conference said that we are such polar opposites that he couldn't believe that we had been married for any length of time! Well, that was it, I have spent everyday since then proving him wrong by showing he was right and that is exactly why the grace of our loving Father brought us together. Someday maybe I will get more into that, but for now. I just have to say that I am grateful in every way for who he is. He loves me imperfectly perfect. He leads our Z-force gently and has won my heart over and over. He is a man of few words, but those words are aptly spoken. His heart is of a Shepherd. Ryan fittingly is an administrator in a public school 15 minutes from here. Everyday he binds up the broken and gives life to souls who are in need of a Savior. He walks with them and teaches them what has been breathed into him. And then Ryan comes home to our quaint little town, shuts the door to this warmth he calls home and does the same. It is who he is. A Giver. Then, as if that is not enough, with keen ears, this man, both in silence and with words, as He listens to the heart of His Father, draws others into the presence of their Maker. He Keeps his flock close at the worship center, First Baptist of Elgin, and brings glory to the One for whom all glory is due. In the time I have known him, process was written all over his life, and so when this shepherd man stands to speak, I am not surprised today to hear that word. Process. Knowing Christ and Making Him known. It is lifelong and life changing. If your hand is open, this is the Way for you. His words come upon me as though God spoke. Tears fall and I am silent. Just Today. This is all I desire of my Today. That, which my husband unabashedly proclaimed, that I might die so Christ could live and that Love could be remembered by the next generation of believers. Shall it be for me. And in my now I will go tredding up a hill, sled in one hand, with my Love beside me. Pouring into our next generation. And it will be well with my soul as I lay my head down to rest tonight, hopeful that I will wake tomorrow, to my Today of living life beside the one my soul longs for. My husband and my God.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
The apple of his eye
The apple of his eye. Psalm17. David's prayer in verse eight is that the Lord would keep him as the apple of His eye, that he would be hidden in the shadow of His wings. There is nothing selfish about that prayer. I for one share the same desire. Do you? Lately I found myself wanting. That is a true confession. I have subjected myself to comparison and discontentment. Two evils that will never be satiated. They always want more, don't they? Thankfully, the Holy Spirit prompts me to make another choice. To look toward heaven, and to be satisfied in the only life-giving sustenance there is. So I feast on his word, and I am renewed. I am thankful. His many gifts leave me grateful. His word fills me up to overflowing and my cup does run over. Who have I in heaven, but Him?The beauty of His presence makes me want to turn my head, instead I bow before him. And in that place I am safe, secure, and no earthly thing can reach that recess of my soul. This is where I abide....
Monday, January 2, 2017
Find Me
This was the first song of our worship set yesterday....https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YVpBKjHmJ8U. It will draw you into the presence of God. I invite you to listen to it!
Sunday, January 1, 2017
In Pursuit of His Presence
It's a new year! May it be joy-filled for you! This time of the year is always exciting for me. A time to reflect, make goals, celebrate the life that was lived the last 365 days... A new year is full of both anticipation and hope, wonder and challenge. Looking back, my days were filled with much of those. I would like to dazzle you with those details down the road, but for now, I want to start over.
I am starting over, following a one year Bible reading plan, to immerse myself in the Truth. If my meet my goal, this will be my first experience reading the Bible in its entirety for two consecutive years. I assure you this is not a bragging point! I say that only to preface what I desire to accomplish as one of my goals again this year. Having read the Bible in a year a handful of times in the past, I have found it enriching and comforting to dive into the depth of God's inspired Word daily and with purpose in mind. For many years I have described myself as a black or white person. Though, this plan for reading appears to represent my personality well, I will readily admit that I am less disciplined than I would like to be sometimes.
So for those of you who read the Christmas letter we sent out at church and have hence decided to commit to a year plan of reading the full Bible, I pray you find it a place of grace, not of legalism. Please don't strive for perfection and then give up when you fail to read a day(s)' contents, or if you find yourself wanting to give up after a week even! I encourage myself and you, here at this time, to just pick up reading the current reading for that day. Move on!
Accept that this is is meant as an exercise of discipline and faithfulness between you and God. With that in mind, I do plan, as I said in the letter, to post occasionally as I reflect on God's treasured words. As we endeavor to behold the Truth together, I pray our hearts and minds would be turned toward the Author and Perfector of our faith.
Please feel free to blog your own thoughts here, post a question or comment on what has been said....If you would permit me to share one more exhortation, it would be to pray! Pray that the eyes of your heart would be open to new understanding, perspective and growth as you are daily inspired by God Himself! To Him be the Glory as we take in His life giving Word and live full lives in His Presence in 2017!
I am starting over, following a one year Bible reading plan, to immerse myself in the Truth. If my meet my goal, this will be my first experience reading the Bible in its entirety for two consecutive years. I assure you this is not a bragging point! I say that only to preface what I desire to accomplish as one of my goals again this year. Having read the Bible in a year a handful of times in the past, I have found it enriching and comforting to dive into the depth of God's inspired Word daily and with purpose in mind. For many years I have described myself as a black or white person. Though, this plan for reading appears to represent my personality well, I will readily admit that I am less disciplined than I would like to be sometimes.
So for those of you who read the Christmas letter we sent out at church and have hence decided to commit to a year plan of reading the full Bible, I pray you find it a place of grace, not of legalism. Please don't strive for perfection and then give up when you fail to read a day(s)' contents, or if you find yourself wanting to give up after a week even! I encourage myself and you, here at this time, to just pick up reading the current reading for that day. Move on!
Accept that this is is meant as an exercise of discipline and faithfulness between you and God. With that in mind, I do plan, as I said in the letter, to post occasionally as I reflect on God's treasured words. As we endeavor to behold the Truth together, I pray our hearts and minds would be turned toward the Author and Perfector of our faith.
Please feel free to blog your own thoughts here, post a question or comment on what has been said....If you would permit me to share one more exhortation, it would be to pray! Pray that the eyes of your heart would be open to new understanding, perspective and growth as you are daily inspired by God Himself! To Him be the Glory as we take in His life giving Word and live full lives in His Presence in 2017!
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